SO THIS IS THE FIRST.  IT WILL BE QUICK.  IT WILL ONLY HURT A BIT.  AND I PROMISE I WON’T GIVE YOU ANYTHING TOO LETHAL.  HOWEVER, I HOPE YOU WILL BE STUCK WITH IT FOR A WHILE.

THIS, MY FRIEND, IS MY RANT SECTION.  HOW THE HELL DID IT COME TO THIS? I’M NOT A FAN OF THIS WHOLE BLOG CRAZE BUT MY THERAPIST SAID IT’S GOOD FOR BUSINESS.  SO HERE I AM, FORCE FEEDING YOU A DOSE OF MY OWN IRONY.

I ASK MYSELF, WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE CARE ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.  AND WHO AM I TO THINK I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT OR GROUND BREAKING TO DECLARE.  WELL, I GUESS YOU’RE THE POOR BASTARD WHO FELL FOR IT CAUSE YOU’RE READING THIS NOW.   LET’S GET ON WITH IT, SHALL WE…

THIS WEEK I WILL GO OVER MY PET PEEVES.  I’M GOING TO LAY IT ALL OUT FOR YA NOW, THAT WAY WE’LL GET ALONG.  I APOLOGIZE FOR THE NEGATIVITY IN THIS FIRST EDITION.  VOL. 2 WILL BE MORE “CARE BEARS” MEETS “VICTORIA’S SECRET”.

PET PEEVE #1:

-THE INFAMOUS “NEW TP ROLL ON THE EMPTY ROLL” TRICK-

THIS ONE JUST CHAFES MY BISCUIT.  HOW LAZY ARE THESE PEOPLE?  THEY’RE ALREADY SITTING DOWN AND THEY CAN’T EVEN SWITCH THE OLD ROLL FOR THE NEW ONE?  I’M SURPRISED THEY PICKED THE WASHROOM AS THEIR FIRST CHOICE.  THEY’RE THE TYPE OF PEOPLE WHO CHANGE A FLAT TIRE, THEN JACK UP THE CAR.

JUST TWIST YOUR BODY, PULL BACK THE SPRING LOADED PIN, AND REMOVE THE OLD ROLL.  BE SURE TO KEEP THE CARDBOARD CYLINDER FOR YOUR LATE NIGHT CRAFT SESSIONS.  ONCE THE NEW ROLL IS INSTALLED, TEXT SOMEONE FOR HELP WITH THE REST.

PET PEEVE #2:

-LITTERING-

I WAS DRIVING DOWN SOME STREET THE OTHER DAY WHEN THE DRIVER IN FRONT OF ME ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW AND CHUCKS OUT HIS LIT CIGARETTE.  FIRST I THINK, “SHIT, I HOPE MY GAS TANK IS SEALED OFF BETTER THAN A CELIBATE NUN”.  THEN I THINK, “THIS GUY IS A REAL PUTZ BAG”.  DOESN’T HE THINK OF THE POOR WATERFOWL THAT WILL GET HIS NON-BIODEGRADABLE FILTER LODGED IN THEIR WEE LITTLE ESOPHAGUS’?  THE DAMN THINGS LOOK LIKE DELICIOUS CATERPILLARS.

ALSO, THE WRAPPERS, BAGS, AND OTHER CRAP FLOATING IN THE BREEZE.  YOU CAN GRAB YOUR VIDEO CAMERA AND SHOOT THE DISCOMFORTING BEAUTY OF IT ALL, OR YOU CAN PICK IT UP AND PUT IN THE GARBAGE.  ANYONE WHO WALKS BY OR OVER SOMEONE ELSE’S DISCARDS IS JUST AS BAD AS SOMEONE WHO PUTS IT THERE. WE ALL HATE DOING SOMEONE ELSE’S JOB, I KNOW, BUT SUCK IT UP THIS ONE TIME.  USE YOUR BEST DISCRETION, OF COURSE.  DON’T PICK ANYTHING UP THAT MIGHT GIVE YOU A MONTHLY PRESCRIPTION BILL.

PET PEEVE #3

-CHEWED GUM NEAR FOOD OR SMALL CHILDREN-

I MAY BE ALONE ON THIS ONE.  IF I HAD THE CHOICE BETWEEN SEEING SOMEONE’S BRAIN LIKE GUM LIGHTLY PLACED ON THE EDGE OF THEIR DINNER PLATE OR HAVING MY ACHILLES TENDON SLICED WITH A RUSTY BUTTER KNIFE, I’D PICK THE GUM.  BUT I’D STILL GAG LIKE A HUNCHED BACK ALLEY CAT.  I KNOW I SOUND LIKE A PANSY, BUT THIS IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM I’VE HAD TO GROW UP WITH.  HOWEVER, I AM UNAFFECTED BY PIG SHIT BEING SPLASHED IN MY FACE.  YOU FIGURE THAT ONE OUT FOR ME.

NEXT TO THE ATOM BOMB, GUM IS MAN’S MOST DEADLY WEAPON.  KIDS GET IT IN THEIR HAIR AND ON THEIR CLOTHES.   AND AT LEAST ONCE IN OUR LIFE TIME WE’VE PLAYED TRIDENT ROULETTE, GAMBLING WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF CLOGGING THE CANAL WITH SWALLOWED GUM.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.  CONGRATS ON MAKING IT THROUGH THEM ALL.  SEE YA NEXT TIME WHEN WE DISCUSS THE NEW AGE OF MUSIC.  JUSTIN BIEBER?  DON’T GET ME STARTED.  BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I THINK THE FUTURE LOOKS GOOD.  IT’S ALL UP TO YOU.  CHEERS!

Posted: Tuesday, May 4th, 2010. Follow my RSS feed.